Divorce: how to let new relationships into life?

Starting a new relationship after a divorce is no less stressful for everyone involved than the separation itself. Are you ready to comprehend the new state, get rid of doubts and move on, then read more?

These recommendations are equally suitable for both men and women; both the initiator of the divorce and the party wishing to save the marriage. Relationships, like separation, are always a matter of two, and both parties bear responsibility for all events.

Preparatory stage: support and accommodation

The normal recovery period after a breakup is about a year. If you live this year as carefully and constructively as possible, you will very soon feel that you are ready for a new relationship. So, this year you will have to solve several very important tasks:

1. Make sense of your divorce.  What exactly is it for you? Perhaps not only grief and disappointment, but also the joy of liberation, renaissance, the promise of something new?

2. Live through all negative emotions.  The situation when, after a divorce, you behave as if nothing had happened, has its dangers. For example, you quickly turn to new relationships, but you bring all the unlived emotions with you. Instead of dealing with each other and your new feelings, you will experience jealousy of your ex-spouse, envy of his new relationship, anger, resentment, thirst for revenge... As a result, both you and your new relationship will suffer.

All the emotions associated with breaking up a relationship need to be lived, cried, screamed and left in the past. Only then will you be ready for something new.

3. Support the body.  It is important to make sure that your body is a source of joy for you, and not sadness and internal pressure. Yoga, dancing, sports, baths, massage - any bodily practice that will please you and allow you to return from thoughts to reality is suitable.

4. “Take back what is yours” from past relationships.  This point requires special attention: it turns out that after a divorce we can sometimes leave with our ex-partner not only some of our things, but also important intangible values.

Sometimes we feel as if all the good things we experience in a relationship are not due to us, but to our partner. We are afraid that interesting travels, achievements, wonderful sex and all the good feelings will remain in that past marriage, but nothing of the same will happen in the new one. This idea is fundamentally wrong: if earlier there were communication, sex and opportunities, then now they will remain with you, because their source is you!

Do not leave your opportunities and achievements in a “dead” marriage, appropriate them to yourself, recognize your right to remain happy in a new relationship.

5. Gather a support group . Communicate only with those who are on your side. If relatives, friends, acquaintances allow themselves to challenge your decision or condemn your choice in dialogue, limit communication with them. Talk only to those who approve of your decision and accept it unconditionally.

6.  If possible, get rid of doubts . It is very difficult to say goodbye, especially if there was something good in the marriage. At any stage, you may be overcome by doubts. It is easier to get rid of them if you admit: you acted the way you could and could not act any other way. But history does not have a subjunctive mood. Accept the recent past as the only possible path, and then the doubt will go away.  

Main stage: finding impulse and readiness for happiness

Just one piece of advice:  don’t close yourself off from people.  Look, communicate, get acquainted, answer the smile. Don't be afraid to meet the eyes of the person you like. Don't be afraid of contact. Listen to your impulses: if the preparatory stage is completed relatively carefully, then soon you will slowly but surely be drawn to new relationships and sensory experiences.

If there is no impulse, do not force yourself to communicate and go on a date “just so it happens.” Don't try to heal your wounds through a quick new romance: if the pain of a breakup has not yet subsided, it's enough just not to withdraw into yourself and don't go into fear of new acquaintances.

The final stage: a new partner and children from the first marriage

So, you are planning a new relationship. 

Don’t worry about the children - it is not traumatic for them, but rather useful, if the place in the bed next to mom or dad is occupied: if everything is done correctly, this will add stability to the child’s psyche.

How, when and in what words should you tell your children that this person is now very dear to you and you plan to spend time with him, as you used to spend with their dad?

Use three golden rules:

• Be honest . If you don’t know how serious your new relationship is, then explain: now it’s important for you to have this person around, and what will happen next is still unclear. If you fall in love, tell your children about it.
• Silence is bad policy.  It’s better to explain to your child who your new partner is to you and to him. Otherwise, the child may think about it and find the answer himself, but such that neither you nor the psychologist will subsequently like it. Introduce the child to your chosen one or chosen one: “This is my friend, beloved (beloved), my dear person, with whom we feel good together and, perhaps, for us this is the beginning of a new serious relationship.”
• The child doesn't owe anyone anything.  You shouldn't love the same person you love. Call her mom or dad - under no circumstances. Be friends, be interested, even communicate - no, you don’t have to! The only thing you can demand from a child is basic politeness and minimal respect for your partner, as an older and adult person. Everything else will build up little by little on its own - for this, you, adults, will have to be patient and carefully, carefully integrate new relationships into your life.

You can't blame a child if he chooses not to talk to mom or dad's new partner, to ignore him. This is not the most convenient, but quite legal way to cope with the separation of parents.

In any case, you should not give up trying to build your own personal happiness and live only for the sake of your children. A new relationship is the best scenario for both you and them. The main thing is to get over the breakup qualitatively, leave all negative emotions in the past and catch that long-awaited impulse that will make you feel in love, loved and ready for happiness again.